Wasted Space

i'm sick again...

i'm sorry i'm grouchy.

just another piece of the puzzle...

I'm an enigma...?

Have you ever felt like there's was so much going on...so much emotion bottled up in your heart that it aches...so many thoughts flying through your mind that you wish it'd be quiet, just for a second...and you can't even form words to describe any of it?

volleyball tonight. I got some awesome plays in!...we played for about 40 minutes and then Karl sprained his ankle. :-( two guys had to help him get to the front desk. we got him ice, the paramedics were called (all part of routine apparently). he's doin okay. he's not happy though because his ankle might swell and he's gotta walk around a lot tomorrow for classes. Aya and I helped him get back to the dorms.

this weekend was interesting. I went to my first party. It was a "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome" themed party so everyone was dressed up in post-apocalyptic type clothes. (or for some of the ppl there...not much clothes at all) The party was fun. I was the designated driver so i didn't drink any alcohol. It was kinda funny watchin the other people get smashed and do stupid things though. I hafta say while the party was interesting and all and I really don't mind being the desginated driver (in fact I prefer it)...I get really worried about my friends when they get drunk. I'm afraid they'll make descisions they'll regret or get into bad situations and then I get really worried. and its not like I don't trust them. its the people that I don't know that I don't trust. maybe parties are just not my thing. or maybe i just need to take a chill pill and relax and not worry so much.

on saturday Michelle, Caitlin, Madeleine, and I went to the "Sex and so much more" Convention in Denver. We got a lot of free samples and gifts. We went to a few seminars and got to see some entertaining shows. There was a "Bare Assets Male Dancers" performance which was basically really buff guys doing strip shows and pulling members of the audience on stage to give them a lap dance. There was a Flashdance performance which was pretty cool. they also had some girls come on stage and flash their boobs to the audience and the audience voted on who had the best set...they had lots of different stands with products and gadgets on sale. Its really interesting (and kind of scary) how many contraptions and inventions were being sold at the convention that are supposed to make any sexual experience better. I mean I understand that they're some people who like to use those things but honestly! Who came up with nipple clamps? and vibrating condoms? sex swings? and a cream to make you feel extremely horny? they even had a bondage exhibit...Michelle got her breasts painted with liquid latex and glitter. that was cool and awkward. creepy guys kept staring her and following her around...I almost smashed a guy in the face out of reflex...

we came back to the dorms. Michelle flashed Chandi and Chandi screamed. Michelle and I watched "Revenge of the Nerds." and then crashed. there are some pics posted on facebook if you want to see.

I'm sorry if you guys thought the teasing was what was making me all depressed. I'm alright. I just keep realizing that I really do think differently. There's a lot of things that I don't understand and part of it is because I didn't go through the same things you guys did. I mean there isn't much I can do about that. it just keeps hitting me and makes me feel like an outsider. please don't think you need to change anything about the way you act or tease me. I appreciate the good humor and this is something that happens no matter where I am or who I'm with. Its something that I need to learn to accept and deal with. *hug* i love you guys.

lunch at the spicy pickle
declare that I'm for gay marriage
apparently I think in a very analytical way
homework
MC Lars
lots of teasing
apparently I don't read "real" books
or know anything outside of my "small island"
more homework
friends

I wish I were with you. I wish I could make you happy.

Get out of my head!

I remember the pain and I remember finding happiness for the first time. I'll keep searching/waiting and one day...one day I'll find it.

Wednesday:
AASA meeting. Aya made korean pancakes. omg they tasted so good! and we played a game muggonhwagocchi (or somethin like that...) it was interesting.

Thursday:
hmm class...homework...robot club...food. typical thursday.

dammit!

trying to get into shape and trying to lose weight.

having long weird dreams every night.

would I run out on my own wedding?

lazy to do my homework.

some things change. some things stay exactly the same.

wow its not even 10:30am yet and I feel pretty accomplished. i got up early, had an intellectual conversation with Bri, chatted with Kayla and Amanda for a bit, went to class (Linear Algebra) which actually was pretty interesting. we're learning about vector space and subspaces and it made some sense to me. i was happy. my teacher has a weird accent so sometimes its hard to understand him, but he knows his stuff. i can tell some of my classmates are frustrated but there are a few of us who are getting the material so far. its good. ah and i've already started my laundry.

i've been thinking...about my anxiety issues. I need help. i can't keep having anxiety attacks about everything. i mean it'll drive me nuts! i gotta deal with this, but i don't know how. well i could figure out how, but i'm extremely scared to do so. i had a dream a couple nights ago that i had an anxiety attack and I couldn't get rid of it. at the end of my dream i was on the sidewalk on my hands and knees and just crying with pain. it left me feeling pretty scared. (which was part of the reason i was so quiet yesterday). I need help.

it snowed today!! heh it was kinda fun walking in the snow to class. good thing it wasn't too cold.

sleepy...

so far my classes are not the most exciting, but they aren't completely boring either...so we'll see.

I'm back in Fort Collins. came back yesterday morning. thanx Kayla for picking me up from the airport! Carrie and Amanda were already back (awesome surprise!) its funny...I haven't been here in about a month, but it kinda feels like I never left. its good to be back.

hope you feel better soon Carrie!

watched about 6 episodes of firefly last night. sorry Kayla...we were so exhausted! its not like we didn't want to watch more!

5 things to be happy about: (according to my new calendar)
-college roommates reconnecting
-goat cheese pizza
-the brilliant white of snow
-sofas with down stuffing
-a No. 2 pencil

first class of the day...Discrete Structures. i'm actually kind of excited. hopefully i'm not let down again like last semester.

i went to school on wednesday to do some tutoring. I can still help people!! heh its a relief to know that i still know my high school math and I can still help people when they need it.

unfortunately when i came home on wednesday afternoon my throat was all swollen. I had caught the flu. blah. right now is the first that I've felt pretty decent. decent enough to sit in front of the computer anyway. still have a cough though...i hate being sick.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2006:
1. Lose weight
2. Have more confidence in myself
3. Truly appreciate the friends I have in my life. I don't want to take anyone for granted. I'm going to treasure every moment and remember how lucky I am.

I went to my friend's birthday party tonight. it was at her dad's resturaunt. it was good to see everybody. it felt like last year. I was the oldest (which is normal) and i'm a little out of place, but with all the silliness and sharing of memories, it didn't matter. I came home and realized (again) how lucky I am to have these people in my life. I owe them so much. They saved me and helped me become the person I am today. they helped me find happiness and explore the childhood that I skipped. I love them more than I can say.

now that I've been home for awhile...I'm finding that new (and weird) phrases are being used. No longer is it "I've been owned" or "I got raped" when you fail a test or get beaten in a competition. Now the phrase is "I got spanked"... my brother and his friends went to spear fish tonight and when they came back they described their experience as swimming in nipple high water. could've said chest high, could've said little lower than chest high, but no...they used nipple high. apparently the water was so cold that my brother said he could've speared a fish with his nipple. lol and and a new color of green is "piss green" not to be confused with puke green.

its amazing how one phone call can destroy or make your day.

my mom is having lots of fun showing my tattoo off to all our relatives and friends. one of my grandpas thinks its nice. one uncle wants me to tell his wife that its cool so that he can get one. one of my aunties was seriously grossed out. my cousins thought it was extreme, but cool. a variety of comments and warnings. i did have to remind my mom that I got the tattoo for me, not for her to show off to everyone else.

spent the day watching a korean drama called Winter Sonata. I'm in the middle of the series. its pretty good. slightly predictable, but still interesting enough to have me yelling at the characters in the middle of an episode. I enjoy watching the relationships that develop and love that beats all odds...but sometimes it just reminds me of how painful it is to love someone who can't love you back.

How can I still love you after all this time?! its been over a year and a half now! granted I don't agonize over you 24/7 now which is a great improvement. I guess I'll always love you. partially because you're one of my best friends and partially because...well...you're you.

Merry Christmas everyone!!